jack's apology
by sarahw119
Summary: Jack tries to get closure. set after the 456, sorry I suck at summaries.


_**How do I live without you?**_

"I don't know how to do this without you. you should never have been in that room with me, I knew that but I just wanted you to see that I could stand up to them. I was doing what I always do; showing off and because of it, I lost everything that mattered to me, I lost you." Jack sat at his desk looking at the photo someone had snapped of him and Ianto dancing at Gwen`s wedding. They'd both thought they'd have years ahead of them, years together. It was the one reason jack had never allowed himself to tell Ianto how he really felt about him, sure he could have told Ianto as he held him on the floor and watched the life and vitality that he loved drain away from his (as he knew now) true love, but it was too final.

Jack felt as though by not telling Ianto that he loved him, but not letting Ianto tell Jack he loved him, then somehow he could stop the inevitable heartache, he'd been wrong. Now the pain was so much worse, because now he knew Ianto had died believing he was nothing more than someone for Jack to pass the time with.

Jack had found it shortly after the funeral, Ianto's diary. He'd read it only once before and the memory of Ianto blushing furiously as Jack commented on tapemesures not lying had made him smile, if only for a little while. Later as their realationship had goten more serious, Jack became a prominent feature in the diary, as Ianto spilled all his doubts and worries onto paper. The last entry to the diary, the one Ianto had written the night before he died, told Jack everything he needed to know about how Ianto saw their

relationship and it broke Jack`s heart.

_Friday september 4th 2009 (Ianto`s last entry)_

_How is it possible to be so in love with someone and yet know nothing at all about them? Everytime I think I know Jack, some new secret comes out. He died again today, you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but it's still a shock ever time he takes that breath. He was gone so long today, I wish he'd let me in. Is it me? Have I read too much into what we have? He's said we're a couple.. but maybe hes's just telling me what I want to hear.. He's lived a long time and will carry on living after I die, will I be just a blip in time to him? A bit of fun to stave off his loneliness? Am I in love with the real Jack or has he made me fall for someone who doesn't exsist?_

_I did try to close some of the distance I've felt between us today, we talked very briefly about his immorality but he shut down pretty quickly. I'm not sure which I'm more upset by; His refusal to share himself with me or being cockblocked by Rhys and his bloody beans! I feel like a crazy stalker, laying here watching him sleep, trying to figure out his feelings. I guess it's impossible to know, I just can't believe that this beautiful man layng next to me is the same man that handed over twelve children to the 456 in 1965, I don't know how to feel about it... Would he so easily hand over Misha and David if it meant the threat would leave? Could I stand by and let him? I'm so confused. He's made my life better in so many ways, but what if none of it's real? I've tried to tell him how I feel about him but he always manages to steer us away from the topic or distract me in some other way. Maybe it's better that I don't know how he really feels, at least this way I can have the illusion that he loves me. This way, if I die I won't die with a broken heart, I won't die knowing I wasnt good enough, wasn't what he needed. I need to stop thinking about this, need to get my mind back on what's happening and how to stop it._

_I'd marry him tomorrow if he'd have me._

_**Present day.**_

It was strange jack thought: strange that no one knew of the existance of torchwood or what they did there; yet less than forty eight hours after Ianto's death a shrine had been errected in his memory at the wharf. Jack suspected Rhiannon had been the one to start it, her way of remembering her brother's sacrifice, but as each day passed more and more people visited to pay their respects. It made it easier for Jack, knowing so many people held his Ianto close to their hearts. Still nothing lessened the pain of knowing how much his facade had hurt Ianto. He visited the memorial daily, each day trying to find the words to tell his lost love exactly how he felt. Gwen had suggested writing it down and leaving it at the memorial, but Jack worried that the paper would succumb to the elements and be ruined, it was because of this reason Jack made the decision to add his own entry to Ianto's diary, his pride and joy, something Ianto would carry everywhere with him.

_**4th june 2010**_

_My dearest Ianto,_

_It's been six months to the day you were so cruelly taken from me, six months and yet the pain is still as fresh as the day I lost you. I hope you can forgive my intruson to your diary, It was the only thing I could think of you taking with you even in death. There are so many things I need to tell you, things I wish I'd had the courage to tell you while you were alive and I'm sorry for that._

_I've lived a long time Ianto, too long. I've done so many things in my lifetime, seen so many different worlds, so many different people, and I've lost them all. Everyone that has ever meant anything to me I have watched grow old and die, or get taken away before thier time... I'm not telling you this so that you'll feel sorry for me. I'm telling you so that you'll understand why I could never bring myself to tell you the things you deserved and should have heard from me every single day. You see the first time I met you, I knew you would be trouble for me. The way you looked in that white shirt and leather jacket, you set my pulse racing harder than it had in centuries. You were so determind to be heard, to be seen.. And I did see you, I really did. What I saw was an amazingly handsome man with the most beautiful blue eyes anywhere in all the universes I have seen. A man with a dry but cheeky sense of humour, a man so kind santa claus himself would be put to shame and you knocked me for six. After Alice's mother I closed myself off, after loosing her and so many others before her, I'd told myself I would never again go through that kind of pain again. You know I've "died" many times, and like I told you that day, I have felt each and every single one of them... But nothing compares to the pain of losing someone you love._

_I had thought I'd felt the worse of that pan before I met you, so I decided to protect my heart and close myself off from any close attachments. You have no idea how hard I tried to keep away from you and yet just as you'd pushed your way in to torchwood, you forced your way into my heart. Having you in my life reminded me just what it was we fight for everyday, you reminded me what it meant to be human. I want you to know that everyday I was lucky enough to spend with you is the most important time in my existance. I have never wanted to make you feel like you were just something to pass the time, and reading that in your diary, that -I- made you feel that way... Ianto believe me when I tell you I have done a lot of things in my lifetime i regret, but making you feel that way is and will always be my biggest regret I am sorry. I loved you from the very first moment I laid eyes on you and I -know- I will continue to love you for the rest of my existance, however long that may be. You will never be -just- a blip in my timeline Ianto, you will always be the biggest part of my life and my heart. I would and will do anything to have you back in my life. I am so sorry I couldn't find the words to tell you while you were alive._

_I love you and will forever more_

_all my love_

_Jack. _

_xxx_


End file.
